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I Was An Emo Edgelord





The year was 2006. Age 12. Sixth grade was beginning, and I could not tell you what came over me. It was like an inevitable transformation among me and a select few fellow middle schoolers. I had changed over the summer, and my excessive eyeliner showed it.

Here to RAWR XD
I couldn't tell you if we came up with it together or if it was just a coincidence, but all of a sudden, my friends and I were adopting new mannerisms and interests. Before the new school year began,  my mom had taken my sisters and I clothes shopping for the new year. I insisted that everything I bought needed to be black. Tops, leggings, accessories, you name it. I needed to be edgy, dark, and brooding.
I entered my first class that year wearing a sheer black top, denim skirt, and black leggings. I wore black flats on my feet (I had not yet learned Converse were the true mark of an emo edgelord) and my wrists were adorned with an unnecessary amount of bracelets.
Skulls. Because death and despair.
My few close friends from the past two years had made this transition as well, and for the first time we were able to interact with older kids. Middle school consisted of grades six through eight, and though our classes were separated for the most part, we all had lunch at the same time. The student body goes from the cafeteria to the practice field during lunch hour, and this is where we met our edgy mentors. They introduced us to life changing music, dark humor and unique style. We formed a clique, and were adamant about being different from "preps."
In order for me to fit in, I had to get into the music more. It was the foundation of the entire stereotype- I had to know each word to "Welcome to the Black Parade" and I needed to start panicking at some discos. If I couldn't get with the genre, I was doomed to be labeled a poser, and thus outcast from the outcasts. It was a new territory, and I sank myself into it. Listening to different bands gave me something to identify with- I had always felt a like a bit of an outcast on the account that I moved a lot and hardly kept friends. I also seemed prone to teasing, so to have a little world that I could be a part of was important, and was not something I wanted to give up so easily.
Cuz emos need love too XD
My laptop was filled with traditionally emo photos and quotes, and I wrote Flyleaf lyrics in my binders and on my shoes. I colored in my nails with Sharpies and adorned my jeans with safety pins for the aesthetic. I even went so far as to cut my hair short (photos have been lost to history). I had the slightly longer bangs that i majestically flipped out of my eyes when I needed to see something. Otherwise they were in my face, hiding my brooding despair. 
#EMO4EVR
There was also the constant need to be as different as possible. From the clothing to the music to the humor, it had to be out there and against the mainstream. It was strange when I think about it now- to fit into a group of misfits, we had to be as misfitty as possible. I feel that this grew my desire to be unique as an adult- I'm ok with being a little weird. I could say I'm proud of it actually. I've always believed that the unusual people make the most interesting stories, and I want to be a book of them. 
Something that also seemed to center around our group was creative arts. Nearly all of us were in band, and in our spare time most of us drew, made YouTube videos, or made music in their own little garage bands. I most liked to write stories and song lyrics, and the thought the story writing has taken a backseat to other hobbies over the years, I still try to flex my muscles now and again (thank you Blogger). 

Different then, different now. Still proud.
Middle school was the in-between time. Still a child, yet feeling I could hold my own. Feeling like I knew myself, yet I was a walking cache of emo sterotypes. Little MissUnderstood, I was. Even though I was still a raging nerd inside and a little bit of a crybaby, I was still HARDCORE.
But the years came and went and so did I. I moved away from my friends when I was 14, and found myself going through another evolution.
There was less "edgy" and more being myself. As I rounded the corner into adulthood, I learned that I didn't need to fit into a specific stereotype to fit in anywhere- I had friends and acquaintances from all walks of life, and even though I was considered odd by many, I was unique to myself.
The only remnants from my emo days are the songs that still make an impact on me today. It's almost embarrassing to admit how seriously I had taken that phase of my life. Honestly, is anyone not slightly cringed by their 12-year-old selves? I see middle schoolers today and wonder how I ever took life so seriously then. Everything was do or die- crushes, friendships, passions. There was more drama than a Greek tragedy.
If I picked up anything positive from this phase, it was that driving force to be different. Yeah my anxiety drives up the wall with "BUT THEY'LL MAKE FUN OF YOU" but I still do what I can to embrace being my own person. There's no need to fit a mold- we are each built in a special way. So take a little inspiration from here and there, and grow into yourself. We may be a little embarrassed of our pasts, but it was necessary to make us the  strong and unique people we are today.

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